Whata-Savior

Whether holiday party induced or merely the product of an overly zealous celebration of "Thursday", this happens to everyone at some point.  Unless you're a tee-totaling type or have a drawer full of those special twelve step chips.  Not that there's anything wrong with that. What am I talking about here?  Drive-thru salvation.  Or, really a half-hearted and grease-laden attempt at salvaging one's forthcoming workday by mitigating the impact of a hangover.  Sure, sure there are late-night windows at various national and local chains all over the country.  Here in Texas, we have the not-quite-so-fast but always fresh and delicious, Whataburger.  They make terribly tasty taquitos, better than other fast food burgers and steak fingers with gravy and french fries.  For the un-initiated, typically steak fingers are strips of beef that are chicken fried and are perfect for grasping with a drunken claw and poking in the general direction of a small cup of cream gravy.  Said gravy usually ends up all over one's face and sometimes in one's hair.  This really depends on the degradation of your tactile functions and whether or not you rode or drove to get this manna from heaven.

Texas legend holds that someone's friends, brother's, uncle's, sister had a best friend who timed a trip for a Whata-savior poorly and trouble ensued.  You see, there's normally about a fifteen to twenty minute gap between ordering and getting your food and vat of coke (that's Texan for carbonated beverage).  If the booze catches up with you, before you're saved by the grease - passing out is a risk.  Passing out in the drive-thru line is trouble.  For one, the other not-so-sobers behind you are not happy.  Two, you're a sitting duck for Johnny Law.  I mean, when is the last time you tried waking up the passed out?  Not so easy now, is it?  Anyhoo, legend is that really has happened.  I'm guessing you can't exactly snopes it, either.  Rest assured though, we don't make this shit up.  Be advised, it's imperative to "shoot the gap" between "crap, I think I'm drunk" and just not making a lick of sense.

Whata-Savior (Wat-ah-Say-Veyur):


  Any meal consumed after 10 pm; preferably one handed to you in a bag from a drive thru window. This meal often contains certain condiments such as ketchup, cream gravy, a side of chile con queso and almost always something fried. The Whata-Savior usually follows an earlier dinner of 4 vodka sodas, 2 miller lites, 3 glasses of red wine, a shot of whiskey and one bacon wrapped shrimp. This meal is deemed necessary after realizing you have to be functioning at work in a few short hours. Also, any calories consumed at this meal don't count.  Which is a good thing, because it's normally:

"I'll have two sausage, egg and cheese taquitos, a small steak finger meal, a jr. jalapeno whataburger and a large diet coke.  Oh, can I get extra hot sauce and gravy with that, too?"

Whhaaawha wha wha (Charlie Brown's teacher noises)

"Ketchup?  Of course!  Extra ketchup!". 

"Your total is eleventy million dollars and thirty-seven cents, please drive around to the first window."